"You Handle Stress Well!"

And other professional feedback that is not a compliment.

In my latest episode with Courtney Heald, the head roaster at Modern Times Beer and Coffee in San Diego, I was struck by a particular moment in our conversation. Throughout the interview, Courtney talked about holding her bosses and leaders accountable—she mentioned that, in past jobs, she might have felt unable to speak up against unfair practices or even frustrated enough to leave. I asked her what changed, and how she cultivated the courage to stand up for herself at work:

Courtney: I think it was just my own personal, like my personal frustrations and things that got me being upset, but then also I was the type of person that just like, let things go. And like, even people would say, like, “Oh, like you carry stress well,” and like, just because I would internalize it all and just get really quiet…

Ashley: I think what you just said about the way that you internalize stress or internalize conflict is incredibly common. I think that's why I wanted to hear more about it, because I think people are often prized for that. Like you even said it, like, “Oh, you handle stress well,” and you're like, “Is that really a compliment? I don't know if it should be.”

Courtney: It was in like, every review that I've had. [Laughs]

Ashley: Every one?

Courtney: Yeah. Like, and a lot of it was always like, “That was a compliment, you work well under pressure,” or, “You handle stress well.”

Ashley: I mean, there's some, like, good in that, but there's like…

Courtney: Yeah.

Ashley: Also not. That's also telling that what we get prized for is often to keep our mouth shut.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this exchange since, because it feels so patently ridiculous—and yet I’m 100% sure I’ve said it to someone before.

This moment in our conversation made me want to learn more about how feedback typically functions in the workplace. In one of the earliest pieces for this newsletter, I wrote about how professional loyalty isn’t a real trait, because it’s not a measure of any quality or skill that makes someone better at their job. I think Courtney’s feedback about stress falls into the same category. You could even take it one step further: These are qualities we prize because they reinforce and reaffirm existing systems of power, often while harming individuals.

In 2019, the Harvard Business Review published an article called “The Feedback Fallacy.” It claims that feedback at work is rarely accurate or helpful, particularly constructive feedback; more often, it’s reflective of the person giving the feedback, and rarely considers the worker’s individual traits and needs, or their autonomy. “The search for ways to give and receive better feedback assumes that feedback is always useful. But the only reason we’re pursuing it is to help people do better. And when we examine that—asking, How can we help each person thrive and excel?—we find that the answers take us in a different direction.”

Telling someone that they handle stress well doesn’t help them thrive. I’d argue it actually hinders their growth by reinforcing a harmful behavior.

Reading that Harvard Business Review article made me wonder if there’s a better way to discuss a so-called compliment like this. Maybe instead of, “You handle stress well,” a manager could say, “Your response made me feel calm—how are you able to redirect or process your feelings in a way that feels constructive?” In this example, that leaves the door open for a person to share how they’re really feeling, versus the actions they perform to get through a stressful moment.

In short: How can we take the instinct to pay a compliment or give a piece of feedback and turn it around to help someone actually excel and thrive?

Courtney’s comments really stuck with me, and for a few days, I asked myself why. I saw a thread on Twitter asking folks for their wildest celebrity interactions and it made me think of the wildest interactions I’ve had with customers in general. How many times I’ve been told to smile or be nicer or—and this is a memory that’s been knocking around my head a lot recently—how I was a “stone cold bitch” because I wouldn’t interact with an aggressive male customer.

I’ve been thinking about the things we say to others and why we say them. In customer service roles, our actions are constantly scrutinized and people feel entitled to comment on everything we do—and most of the comments we receive are, frankly, petty as shit. This piece is a reminder that adding more feedback to the pile isn’t always a tool for success, and more often a reflection on the giver. To provide truly valuable feedback is to ask how your words can positively and concretely give someone the tools to excel.

Tell me the best “compliment” you got at work in the comments below.

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